hatred

how does one come to hate oneself? what is the process by which one takes oneself as a joke, or some cosmic bowel movement that has produced nothing more than a stench and an ease in someone else's gut? i am learning what the procedure is that i have indulged in for so long, and it is a tedious process, this learning. but i am certain of the hatred that i've had for myself over the years. as i have looked into the mirror, i have seen my enemy, where i should behold my friend. i have been sick with disgust at the proportions of my own self, and a loathing has bubbled up like stale air from the bottom of a submerged new orleans grave. now i must do the work that should have transpired over the past 20 years, to survive into another year. to be different, to be worth the time it takes to breathe the same air as a perfect person. i've done all the bad things that i can do to myself, and yet God has not allowed me to perish yet. there must be a reason for this, there must be a truth in the fact of my living. recovery states that there must be a psychic change, or there is little to no hope of recovery, and recovery is more than the absence of the agent of sickness. recovery is the returning to the state of well being before the sickness was perpetuated. thats the difficulty. and now, can i go to the dark place, look within a tumultuous soul and allow peace to seep in, to take root and grow trees of shade and self comfort? i affirm this at this time. yes, i can. yes, i can be good to me, yes, i can choose life today, YES! i can do right by myself in this particular lifetime. and i choose to do so, and i am blessed with that reality.