thankufalletmebemicelfagin

okay, damn, here we go. exploring the depths of my mind, knowing that this time change is absolutely required, or death rides on a certain wind. and yet, as i've learned over the past two days, my predisposition toward death is a (HUGE) part of the problem. i have to learn to reaffirm life, to give myself the benefit of the doubt. how many good things do i do for you? metaphorically speaking, of course. how many times do i open my heart, my mind and my larder for your well being, only to starve in the street like a common dog when i come up short? its fucked up. i loaned a friend some money over several months, to help her get by, when i've been struggling myself, and when i asked for the money back, she's dropped out of sight. not a significant amount, but enough to let me see clearly, now the rain is gone. i have been treating myself like shit for a long time. when i am in constant heart failure, water swollen from that condition, and afraid to allow change to set into me and give me strength, then i know i am the caretaker of demons from way back. and i can't keep doing that to myself. so this is the beginning of my new affirmation, on a new page, with a new family to be. i am alive, and i am worth it. God Jehovah didn't make any mistake in sparing my life 19 years ago when i got sober, and the only mistakes i've made since have been forgetting to stay grateful. today i helped my sponsee with an impromptu 5th step and then i came home. i spoke to my sister but didn't tell her thank you for not giving up on me. my garden is full of small weeds, and my body is still trying to figure out where my mind is at in all this. but i'm not going to just give up on myself anymore, and i'm not going to feed the negative either. thanks, for letting me see me clearly, and thanks for being my friend. speaking to myself, because that is the beginning of better things to come. bye for now.